I'm back. Been completely crazy this side, but will be updating again soon. Watch this space. (if interested) XD

This has been a very very strange holiday indeed.

I could not find a place to live for a while, so I have spent the last couple of weeks at a friend's place. That means no drawing, no comfort of my own space, nothing except sitting and watching movies or wondering how a person can spend hours staring at a wall not thinking anything.

Needless to say it was tough. Luckily I finally found something a few days ago, and now all thats left is to just move. I hope I can get it over with fast.

I miss drawing, I tried doodling and what came out was horrible on every level. I want to make portraits, get some learning in before uni starts again, do as much as I can.

Well, guess I'll have to be patient for now.

This has officially been the worst year ever. So much has happened that makes me want to curl up and hide, what with social situations, work, studies, and everything.
I failed a module at uni thanks to a year of trying too juggle too much and an inevitable burnout/breakdown on a massive scale, and now I need to find a new place to live by the end of the month because I got screwed over by someone I considered a friend.

Its just so damn annoying that things always fuck out. I'm so very glad this year is almost over and I can start fresh. I sorely need to.

I has 1000 pageviews. How did that happen? Thanks guys

Screw this, I feel like writing.

I am currently on my 4th night without sleep. I stole an hour here and there, but that's about it.
Yet I am faced with a certain calm clarity and new insight into myself. I am lost, and stagnating in this country.

My university work is pissing me off. I'm so sick of having to conform to some stupid standard based purely on what people want here, in order to pass and appease the parents. I am so sick of being stifled artistically to deviate from my own ideals and identity. I can't stand the fact that only after I quit my part time job did I start realizing how much I hate the ways in which people want me to change myself. I do not need to do that for my design and illustration, I can keep doing the work without having to sacrifice myself in the process. It's not enough for them to have me be able to work on any topic they spew out, now they want me to believe it?!

The first thing that was my own this entire year is my Werewolf sketch. It is the only image that holds any personal relevance to me. Everything else is university bullshit.

I have not felt truly alive since 4 years ago when last I was in Russia. The difference hit me as soon as I came back here. I felt like I was half asleep again. Like I had to get back in my cage.

There is another point I have been wanting to rant on lately. Now, I will tolerate a lot of criticism, but the one thing that can make me angry in an instant is when I speak to someone and they ask "oh, so you're Russian, how long have you been here?". When I reply it has been almost 13 years they laugh and tell me "Well that makes you a South African then."

FUCK. YOU.

Does my upbringing and heritage count for nothing just because I am in a different country? A decision in which I had no say - or is it that my english is often better than theirs?

I have nothing personal against the people here, I have met some very interesting and good people. But the majority of the jock rugby fanatic scum with their brandy&cokes and slurring dutch accents piss me off so much.
I am not insulting you or your country, it's just the amount of times I have heard an angry afrikaaner tell me "If you hate it here so much why are you still here??" is astounding. Why would I be somewhere I don't want to if I can get out?

2 more years. Then I can finish my degree, and go back. I don't care if I feel different there also, at least I will be home.